Unfinished Rallying Cry

This is an unfinished rallying cry

But first I have a confession to make....
I'm a prejudiced man...
there I said it, I claim it, I own it and the buck stops here with this tacit admission of my own preconceived notions
I have an incurable, unreasonable, unconditional bigotry....... against assholes

Take a short drive across our fare metropolis lately you'll run into a peculiar taxonomy of the human species known by scientists as the "asshole". They can be identified by their guttural troglodyte language, their often squat posture, and their brash self centered manor. The asshole often can be found in company of like minded assholes, who chuckle and bey like reeking dogs. They are a savage species devoid of higher functions seeming to occupy the societal niche's of holding up drive through lines and merging onto the freeway at 35 mph. You might say at this point in the diatribe "Scurvy, their always was assholes, they'll always be assholes and pointing it only makes you look like an asshole."

To that I say fair enough, but my friends this is about so much more than "your an asshole, I fucked your mother, your dad gave my dog a hand job etc etc.
What we are dealing with at this most dire of times is a threat to all of humanity. It's more dangerous than terrorism, television, socialism, long division, and circumcision by Shaky the ham fisted dwarf. What we are seeing in our lifetime is the great 21st century asshole explosion; an accelerated exponential global population boom of assholes.

Currently the asshole species is engaged in a threefold cross dimensional breeding migration of epic proportions. Assholes from other dimensions are entering our world to cross breed with our garden variety strain of assholes to create a new super asshole, twice as stupid, three times as aggressive, and way too fertile.

You can see them in their natural habitat waiting in line at dollar tree with their screaming kids to break shit, complain about waiting and hold up the line when the clerk tries to explain to them why you can't pay for 99 cent speaker wire with food stamps.

Or perhaps you'll find them at coin-op car washes at odd hours blasting autotune tejauno while they wash blood off their bumper.

I seem to happen upon them most frequently at the gas station taking up 3 spaces with a mini-cooper and negotiating the price of gas with the attendant who could give less then a shit about their problems.

But the place where we all seem to have our close encounters with these savage mindless beasts is at the modern American equivalent of middle brow culture, the movie theater. These hunting grounds are bountiful here for a particularly noxious variety of the "Asshole" known as the "Douche bag". In the French pejorative "homo douche". These odius fucknoids seem to sustain themselves on the very agitation that is incited by their frequent and sustained level of douchebaggery.

For instance, your out with a date to catch the latest installment of "Teenage Drill bit fist fuck slaughter part 8" your done with your junior mints and just getting ready to engage in clandestine oral sex while the onscreen killing masks your heavy breathing, and then you hear it from the front row......the unmistakable caterwaul of a screaming baby.

Your first thought is "what kind of degenerate douche bag would bring a baby to Teenage drill bit fist fuck slaughter part 8? I mean certainly Teenage drill bit fist fuck slaughter part 6 and 7, but 8? That's just low class man

Your second thought is usualy something like "how do I keep my date interested in semi-exhibitionist sex now?" As we all know a screaming baby kills the mood faster than a health care reform debate, as many a married man in the room could testify too.

Your third thought is usually "How easily could I get away with dropping this motherfucker right here in the theater?"
Because there is nothing that says justice quite like cold-cocking some arrogant degenerate douche bag in front of his kids, an incident that should start with a back hand and end with the words "NEVER disrespect me"

With any luck it will be a great example for the next impressionable generation of douche bags that put a damper on your evening out.

This brings me to another sub species of the asshole taxonomy, the fuckhead. This is the most prolithic of all assholes, serving as an asshole does, to make everything generally shitty. You may have encountered one on the way here, sitting at a green light, on the cell phone, picking their nose, eating ice cream yelling at all 15 of the kids packed into the van like a little sardine can of the functionally dysfunctional.

In fact, a fuckhead can do just about any activity in the car except for step on the gas and GET THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR WAY.

They exist only to obstruct those with purpose. I'm convinced that fuckheads roam the city in slow moving vehicles looking for us. As soon as the spot someone that looks like they have purpose, they spring into action being becoming mobile road blocks like some kind of giant trundling dung beetle stuck in the intersection.

I tell you, It's getting worse. It's like a mother ship from planet Assholicus crash landed on earth releasing swarms of the terminally worthless into our cities.

Yes my friends, there is no doubt about it. We have an asshole infestation problem on our hands of epic proportions and we have to do something about it, lest our world be overrun with drooling illiterate mouth breathers replicating at the speed of murphys law.

So whats a concerned citizen with critical faculties to do? What measures should be taking and how can we (the embattled altruistic vanguard who stand against the frothing armies of fuckheads, douche bags and assholes) find some kind of rational solution to stop this freight train of dumbassery?

The first and primary step is to speak up and let your voice of discontentment be heard loud and clear. Assholes thrive on the indifference of their superiors.

Don't let it go, don't ever let it go, keep hold of it like a dog with a rag in its mouth. Never be afraid to summon up that righteous indignation, loose the flood gates, unleash the torrent and say what so many others around you want to say.

"Get to the end of the line, quit hassling the clerk, learn how to park, shut your fucking kids up, get off your phone for a few seconds and keep the volume down, nobody wants to hear your menial conversation and try and show some respect for once in your life and chew with your mouth closed for a change. I know the name of the band, we all know the name of the band. Its a yield sign, not martian hieroglyphics. If ya can't figure simple road signs out, you probably shouldn't be on your phone, your ipad, your bluetooth and your GPS while you eat a sandwich, drink coffee, adjust your underwear and jerk off your dog; and if for some reason you can't get up to speed by the end of the on ramp learn how to take a bus.
Seal your noise hole when the movie starts
Have your money ready when ya get to the head of the line
Look before you merge, think before you speak, read before you breed, and if you still find yourself covered in shit, warning: you could be an asshole.

In that case take a chainsaw to your face before the end of this sentence.

This is the first and most critical step, the next? Who knows...this will always be an unfinished rallying cry.



-Scurvy